Reflective Writing - Rushing // Personal
11:30
I've been a bit swamped lately and experienced a few setbacks in different areas of my life so naturally my blog has suffered a tad. I wanted to share another piece of reflective writing with you because I feel right now it's striking a chord with me and couldn't be more significant. It's amazing how sometimes you can come so far in life but still feel somewhat the same; there's human complexes for you.
Tuesday, 28 February 2012
"Feeling like my life is passing my by at the moment and I'm not sure what the catalyst for this feeling is. Everyone seems to know where they're going and have accomplished all they wanted by this age and I'm here feeling like I'm being left by the wayside. Why haven't I done more? Realised who I want to be, what I want to do? Even simple things like what do I like or dislike? I feel like I'm forgetting...maybe I never even knew. I'm completely clueless as to the purpose of my existence at this present time and it encapsulates me in worthlessness, shrouds me in fear and dread, sends ice down my spine and wakes me up in the night. I want to be happy, I am happy I guess...just not in the way I wanted. I thought I'd be further along now, I'm running and I can't keep up; I've gone back to my feelings from over a year ago where there's two of me and my reflection seems to be running quicker, she seems like a different person. I must post those ramblings so you can better understand. I don't feel refined or self-assured like other people. I'm constantly wondering what's wrong with me, questioning why I don't fit in, what makes me like this. Depression is just a mere side matter. This is in my head, purely insanity. The frenzy inside my mind, so paranoid and yet so curious. It's not a nice place to be. I'll battle on like I always do, naturally, but I can't shake this feeling yet. Strangely nor do I want to. I want to know myself, I want to figure life out. I won't stop."
Despite this piece of writing being four years old it feels more relevant now than ever before. This feeling is heightened by the fact that lately I experience setback after setback which means my goals go unaccomplished, I become more frustrated and I just feel like I'm standing still whilst everyone else moves around me knowing exactly what their destination is. If I physically could have done more then I would have done, I'm past that stage in my life of beating myself up about 'what could have been'. I no longer feel like two separate people and sure I still have moments of doubt but that's normal and not something to feel ashamed of. I'm not refined, I don't typically fit in but I sure as hell am secure in myself and who I am, I now realise I have nothing to prove to anyone, that I don't have to compete.
Some things definitely have changed, I have a much better idea of who I am, I know what I like and dislike and I have a clearer picture of what I want to do with my life, albeit knowing that doesn't make right now much easier. I'm proud to know I've grown as a person and without all these hardships maybe I would have never figured out who I truly was...it's terrifying to think I could be living a life where I've built up such a secure and fleshed out persona that I would have never known that the real version of me was hiding somewhere deep within; I'd have been left with the constant feeling that something wasn't quite right but I wouldn't be able to put my finger on what.
I wanted to know myself and figure life out, I don't think I'm too far off that. I'm proud as hell for making it this far and being strong enough to accept change into my life.
How do you feel about where you are in life now? I'd be really interested to know if things have gone to plan for you or not!
Stay curious
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