Curious Pandora: February 2017

Reflective Writing - Keeping Promises // Personal

Hey cats!

I've got quite a busy and stressful time going on for me at current and I thought what better time to take a breather, dive into the past and make some reflections here in the present. I feel this piece I'm sharing is most fitting considering I find my education and low mood correlation history is repeating itself in an all too familiar way and I'm in a very similar place during my college diploma as I was in university.

As I said in earlier posts I would share my ramblings from about a year or so ago, to better understand where I am now. I won't change anything in them, even though I may want to. There are some things I don't want to be reminded of but I know its necessary. Also there may be some poor grammar and spelling but that's just what happens when you pour out words from your heart. I start from the beginning, the first time I really opened my eyes to the world and found how out of touch I was with everything.

Tuesday 6th March 2012

Walking to university today, my reflection in the windows of the building seemed to be moving faster than me…who was this girl…should I try and catch up, or is my life running away from me, am I losing myself? Is this a projection of how out of touch I feel with myself, with reality, of how out of control I feel. It felt like falling, losing my grip on life’s blatant unfairness. She was getting away, this once wonderful me, there in full glory…grinning, or maybe it was teeth bared. She used to be ready to attack at any moment, poised for action against the world and now she was getting away; am I merely the shadow being left behind as the sun fades away? I don’t want to be, but it almost feels as if it's too late now, there’s too much to patch up, sew up, re-stitch, and would it all be worth it in the end? I don’t think I could ever be her again. That’s why I’m me now. Obviously she’s there somewhere…be it past or future, moving ahead of me, almost racing me, elation at my confusion as to who she was. This dazzling beast contrasted with the creature and her contorted face into an almost permanent frown. I do not want to be her. I want to chase the reflection, I want her to explain, to tell me everything will be okay. I want to understand. I want her to be me. Please.

I knew even when writing this, logic was snapping at my heels about how it was probably the angle of the building or the sunlight that caused my consternation about my shadow side, but does logic really matter when true thought and reflection is provoked? Indeed how profound my literal reflection caused internal reflections, I'm smirking at the chances of this happening. The truth is that this moment and many following it haunted me for a long time and have stayed with me as clear as day even until now. I struggle with my memory due to my numerous health issues but the things I remember without fail are moments like these, moments with my shadow or reflection, the feeling that I was two people, striving to be one of whom I claimed to have lost. Surely it wouldn't be normal not to lose ourselves? If we never changed or moved, we'd never grow or experience or truly live; loss is normal. A constant feature in human life, where no permanency really exists because life isn't permanent so neither is anything within it. I scold myself internally for writing that, it sounds so miserable and pessimistic. I'm a collective of parts and people with no one unifying factor other than the body I store them all in. I am separate and distant, a husk and a host. The girl that wrote in 2012 is just like the girl in the reflection, lost or gone. I'm learning that it's okay though, that's how it is meant to be.

I was afraid then because I was becoming a different person, I was letting my depression truly kick in and take over for the first time and I felt loss for the innocent teenager I had no choice but to leave behind. I still feel to an extent that I'm chasing the version of myself that I want to be, but I don't see that as a negative; I think it's good to have something to strive for, to want to be the best person you can possibly be. I think this particular reflection represents the fire and determination inside of me that had been a constant in my life but which I lost at university, I missed my motivation and I was scared that I wanted to give up; that wasn't in my nature and it still isn't. Life does feel like it's speeding away from me but that should be more motivation than anything to run and catch up with it. I'm in a constant tussle between my mental and physical illnesses and my core self; the person I could be without anything holding me back.

I'm hopeful this time around though and I can't wait to finish my diploma and really start my life. I've worked damned hard on this course and throughout the past year and a half in order to sort my health out as much as I can. I'm doing the best I can in the situation I've been dealt in this life and I've realised I need to stop kicking back or lashing out at it, because it's coming along for the ride whether I like it or not, and I can achieve what I want even with it sitting on my shoulder trying it's best to weigh me down. I feel like I'm closer than ever to that future me, that I'm much clearer in who I am and who I'm trying to be, I still yearn to be carefree, rid of anxiety and depression, but at least I can say I'm really trying my best.

If you have any thoughts to share on my ramblings then I'd love to hear them and if any of this has affected you in any way where you need to talk, please feel free to email me

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My Favourite Brow Products of All Time // CF Beauty

barry m 11:30

Hey cats!

It's been a little while since I've done a beauty post and a lot of that is down to the fact I don't often change up my make-up so there isn't usually much to catch you up on. However, in the past few months I've tried out some new products on my quest to find my own holy grail brow product and I have to say, I've found some gems! Since I'm finally getting the hang of this brow malarky and a few of you have been kind enough to compliment my brows on Instagram, allow me introduce you to my favourite products of all time.

NYX Brow Gel

A brow pomade was a big step for me so a gel was definitely something novel, that being said this little wonder is so fantastic, easy to control and you barely have to use any so don't let the tiny tube deceive you! There's a great range of colours available and the gel is a thick enough consistency that means it doesn't squeeze out uncontrollably at the slightest touch, but it's not so thick that it's impossible to get out. I would say with this that you need to have a good angled brush to apply it with (my favourite is down below) and to make sure you don't layer it up because it can go clumpy/flaky as it dries very quickly, so speed is of the essence in applying it. It's one of those products that I was unsure about at first but once I got in the groove with how to make it work for me, it's hard to want to use anything else, especially when the staying power is beyond incredible; brows on fleek all day.

Barry M It's A Brow Thing

I bought this on impulse because I wanted lush brows quickly & easily for the days I'm not feeling so great and boy does this product deliver on that, which is great when I don't want to commit to using the gel. The only downside of this is that you can't control how much product comes out (and it's quite a lot so use with caution) but it's so easy to apply, goes on velvety smooth and surprisingly considering it's only a powder, it does not budge. At all. My favourite combo lately is to use this to roughly fill in my brows, and then to use the gel to sharpen the top and bottom lines. Such a winner for me and again the staying power is phenomenal.

Makeup Revolution Brow Dual Arch & Shape

This is an old favourite of mine, I don't use it so much nowadays but it was an absolute failsafe when I did. I'd use this in a similar way to what I've just mentioned, where I'd fill in my brows with the soft crayon and then outline/extend with the felt tip end. It's beyond easy to control, pigmented but not too much so (meaning you can layer up) and again my brows lasted all day. I also was a big fan of using just the felt tip end to fill in my brows because you could create real looking brow hairs with minimal effort; I'd highly recommend this product if you're just starting out on getting those Instagram-esque brows!

EcoTools Angled Brush

If you're going to be using gels, pomades, etc then you're going to need a good brush and EcoTools are always my go-to brand. The one pictured is most likely from a set I purchased a while ago but they have an amazing brow specific duo which is practically the same brush plus a spoolie to tame those brows for under a fiver! Anyway, I love this angled brush because the long handle gives me a great amount of control, the brush is soft but still keeps it's structure and of course it's eco-friendly and cruelty-free.

I hope you enjoyed my brow faves and maybe you've discovered something new to try out, I love these because they're all budget options that go above and beyond their monetary value in product quality, not to mention they're all cruelty-free! Also, don't forget any brows are even better after being set with a brow gel, you can read about my favourite one here.

What are your holy grail brow products? I always like to try new things (as long as they're cruelty-free)!

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My Dreadlock Diary #5 - The Week After The Wash

baby dreads 11:30

Hey cats!

This probably isn't going to be the longest of posts because not too much has happened in a week or so, but I figured it's best to write any kind of update for my little memory bank than nothing at all. So here's how my week has been after my first ever dread wash!

A Week Away

In a style so true to myself, I was really cutting it short in terms of time, as I got my dreads installed with full knowledge that only a couple of weeks later I'd be spending a week at my boyfriends house, as well as attending a family wedding! Luckily for me everything went off without a hitch, my dreads felt glorious the whole time and I managed to tame them into a cute half-up sort of 'do' for the wedding; my boyfriend refers to it as 'elf hair' which is where I take a small chunk of hair from above each ear and pull to the back of my head, clipping both sides in the middle. If you're unsure what I mean just google elf hair and that pretty much nails it! The wedding was super fun, my hair stayed in place all night (a first for me!) and I felt really good, which is all I wanted above everything as it meant I could relax a bit and enjoy myself without worrying.

Naturally as time goes on my dreads are getting messier and 'poofier' but that's to be expected, there's also a lot of loose hair poking out here and there which again is totally normal as hair doesn't automatically dread and stay that way, it's a process you've got to work through. I'm planning to book in some maintenance with the lady who did my dreads in the first place so that they can be tidied up and helped on their way to knotting up properly.

Caring For My Dreadies

Before I got my dreads I made sure I had everything I would need already stocked up, one of the most important things being a crochet hook (I bought a 1mm & a 0.75mm hook) as this is a really useful tool for dreadlock maintenance. I had a go trying to use a crochet hook to tuck in some loose strands after watching a couple of YouTube tutorials, I managed to but I found it very fiddly and slow going, which resulted in my hands hurting quite quickly.

After the wash I found it quite funny that the hair at the roots of my dreads (which isn't fully dreaded as new hair is always growing) didn't go 'poofy' afterwards but instead became smooth 'normal' hair, quite a juxtaposition in comparison to my little noodles! After giving the roots a massage they've fuzzed up and started to re-dread by themselves, potential crisis averted.

Drama then hit the news with fears of 'superlice', as if normal lice weren't a bad enough threat with any hair, let alone dreadlocks. Naturally I wanted to protect myself against any chance of this happening and I managed to find a really cheap tea tree spray from Quality Save (that's made up of mainly essential oils & is cruelty-free) that I spritz on after washing so that it absorbs into my scalp, I also use it just before heading out. It's great to give your hair a freshen and can also help to prevent dandruff!

On the left are two of my most important tools and on the right is my now redundant hairbrush!

How I'm Feeling

I still absolutely adore my dreads and it's honestly so hard to find fault with them; they're giving more confidence than before and I feel much less nervous about them in public. A lot of people do still stare, do double-takes, children look and make remarks their parents, some people smile back at me...it's normal really because I've experienced this most of my life. It's just hair but many view it as something strange or unique. I suppose it is quite unique perhaps?

They even seem longer already to me and I know that's most likely because they're settling down rather than sticking up all over the place, either way it's a sign that normal progress is happening. Part of me wished I'd done a blonde ombré to the ends of my hair before dreading but I really didn't want to damage my hair after getting it back to good condition took such a long time, plus hair can't be dreaded if it's in poor condition. I do have to say though months on now writing this diary entry up, my previous hair colour (which I matched to my own) is actually washing out or lightening, and the ends of my hair are becoming blonde!

After washing not much else changed, the dandruff reappeared so I just re-salted and shampoo'd my hair a week later, other than that there isn't much else to report. My friends and family are getting more used to them, many people (including strangers) compliment them or are interested in them and these little beansprouts on my head are already impacting my life in a positive way. I'm that bit more carefree and spontaneous, I've gotten so much free time back that I usually would have spent blow-drying and styling my hair every 2-3 days, which in turn has eased the strain of my fatigue somewhat. All in all I'm still very happy with what I consider my 'life-changing' decision!

I hope you're enjoying this series so far and if there's anything you want to know then just leave a comment below!

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