As the crude title suggests, I actually used video editing software for the very first time in my 24 years on this earth! This may seem small to some but for me this was a big achievement in a long line of things I'm hoping to accomplish at some point this year and beyond. A lot of things I wanted to do this year but I'm learning to be more realistic with my goals and accept that anything I achieve whether it be now or down the line is still a big thing. I'm only human and I shouldn't put so much pressure on myself. Albeit this post is public, for me it's more of a personal record of what I've done and how it made me feel (which is great when I'm on a downer and trying to chuck my life out of the window metaphorically). If anyone can gain some insight or this gives you a boost into finally doing something you've wanted to do but have been putting off then I'll be a million times happier and will feel like I've achieved so much more.
Okay, so what did I use exactly? Nothing special of course, the only thing I had to hand is Windows Movie Maker - an outdated version at that - but for me personally that seemed like an excellent (not to mention simple) place to start considering it was free and at my immediate disposal. However, my first try didn't run too smoothly and if I hadn't attempted it again then this blog post wouldn't exist and I would most likely still be in a complete funk thinking I'm stupid and I can't do anything. First lesson there, don't give up/if at first you don't succeed try and try again/insert other cliché sayings here. This first failing was completely down to a defect in my personality which means I don't read instructions or do my research first, I instead just blaze in balls to the wall and get everything completely wrong thus contributing to a self-fulfilling prophecy of "I can never do anything".
After a week of moping my stubborn side kicked in and assured me I wouldn't be defeated, so I calmly looked up some help videos, got to grips with the software and then I decided to film a practice video to edit. Filming was an experience and a hellishly awkward one at that. Now, I feel I'm a seasoned expert in the way of talking to myself (and my cat) but as soon as I was sat in front of a camera my anxiety took over, I struggled to make eye contact and my limbs were out of control with nerves. I have such respect for people who do YouTube as a job, as I know many suffer also with issues such as depression or anxiety and honestly I was quite shocked at myself that I was so affected. Nevertheless I powered through because the filming wasn't entirely important, I just needed something to edit. Baby steps and all that. But the experience in itself was significant, and as a person that albeit doesn't read instructions, does actually like to plan for things and craves being prepared for upcoming projects. It made me aware that if I do start to film and put videos on YouTube, I know for sure that I need to do it for myself and no one else, so that I can build my confidence, be able to do spontaneous and unscripted things and also have a good time and keep a record of those memories; without them being edited to perfection. If anyone happens to like what I do then so be it, I'd be just as happy. I believe you've always got to start with yourself and do things for you; know that it isn't a selfish way of behaving.
Anyway back to the topic at hand - the editing. Just to break things up and not get too bogged down I'm going to go ahead and bullet point this for everyone's benefit:
- Holy hell editing is tedious and not at all easy, it's also very frustrating when it just doesn't DO what you want it to do (nor does it acknowledge you shouting at the screen)
- Once finished I noticed I'd spent nearly 2 hours editing an 8 minute video. My hands ached and so did my head, I'd also forgotten to eat and drink
- Despite these things, the sense of accomplishment and achievement after I'd finished was overwhelming. I could do it, I could achieve goals and I could work technology!
- I felt proud and much more capable but at the same time I was only at the very start and have a long way to go in terms of learning and improving. I was left with mainly positives and of course these little niggles in the back of my mind - could I commit that much time, could I be bothered, was it worth it?
- I think it's worth it, the other two I'll have to get back to you on
Looking to the future, whatever the outcome I know this is something I want to pursue in order to further myself and fulfil a long standing personal goal. I worry horrendously about so many things but instead of worrying I should just set simple, easily achievable goals and do things occasionally that aren't for other people. I truly believe you always have to start with yourself and practice self-care before even considering everything else in life. If we constantly shove our own needs aside we'd cease to function. I want to be brave, so I'm going for it! I imagine I'll keep these entries going each time I feel I need to document any progress.
Is there anything you're looking to achieve this Summer/this year?
Stay curious
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