Curious Pandora: personal

Watercolour Whimsy // Poem

art 11:30

Share |

A Little Life Update // Personal

blogging 11:30

Share |

My Dreadlock Diary #5 - The Week After The Wash

baby dreads 11:30

Hey cats!

This probably isn't going to be the longest of posts because not too much has happened in a week or so, but I figured it's best to write any kind of update for my little memory bank than nothing at all. So here's how my week has been after my first ever dread wash!

A Week Away

In a style so true to myself, I was really cutting it short in terms of time, as I got my dreads installed with full knowledge that only a couple of weeks later I'd be spending a week at my boyfriends house, as well as attending a family wedding! Luckily for me everything went off without a hitch, my dreads felt glorious the whole time and I managed to tame them into a cute half-up sort of 'do' for the wedding; my boyfriend refers to it as 'elf hair' which is where I take a small chunk of hair from above each ear and pull to the back of my head, clipping both sides in the middle. If you're unsure what I mean just google elf hair and that pretty much nails it! The wedding was super fun, my hair stayed in place all night (a first for me!) and I felt really good, which is all I wanted above everything as it meant I could relax a bit and enjoy myself without worrying.

Naturally as time goes on my dreads are getting messier and 'poofier' but that's to be expected, there's also a lot of loose hair poking out here and there which again is totally normal as hair doesn't automatically dread and stay that way, it's a process you've got to work through. I'm planning to book in some maintenance with the lady who did my dreads in the first place so that they can be tidied up and helped on their way to knotting up properly.

Caring For My Dreadies

Before I got my dreads I made sure I had everything I would need already stocked up, one of the most important things being a crochet hook (I bought a 1mm & a 0.75mm hook) as this is a really useful tool for dreadlock maintenance. I had a go trying to use a crochet hook to tuck in some loose strands after watching a couple of YouTube tutorials, I managed to but I found it very fiddly and slow going, which resulted in my hands hurting quite quickly.

After the wash I found it quite funny that the hair at the roots of my dreads (which isn't fully dreaded as new hair is always growing) didn't go 'poofy' afterwards but instead became smooth 'normal' hair, quite a juxtaposition in comparison to my little noodles! After giving the roots a massage they've fuzzed up and started to re-dread by themselves, potential crisis averted.

Drama then hit the news with fears of 'superlice', as if normal lice weren't a bad enough threat with any hair, let alone dreadlocks. Naturally I wanted to protect myself against any chance of this happening and I managed to find a really cheap tea tree spray from Quality Save (that's made up of mainly essential oils & is cruelty-free) that I spritz on after washing so that it absorbs into my scalp, I also use it just before heading out. It's great to give your hair a freshen and can also help to prevent dandruff!

On the left are two of my most important tools and on the right is my now redundant hairbrush!

How I'm Feeling

I still absolutely adore my dreads and it's honestly so hard to find fault with them; they're giving more confidence than before and I feel much less nervous about them in public. A lot of people do still stare, do double-takes, children look and make remarks their parents, some people smile back at me...it's normal really because I've experienced this most of my life. It's just hair but many view it as something strange or unique. I suppose it is quite unique perhaps?

They even seem longer already to me and I know that's most likely because they're settling down rather than sticking up all over the place, either way it's a sign that normal progress is happening. Part of me wished I'd done a blonde ombré to the ends of my hair before dreading but I really didn't want to damage my hair after getting it back to good condition took such a long time, plus hair can't be dreaded if it's in poor condition. I do have to say though months on now writing this diary entry up, my previous hair colour (which I matched to my own) is actually washing out or lightening, and the ends of my hair are becoming blonde!

After washing not much else changed, the dandruff reappeared so I just re-salted and shampoo'd my hair a week later, other than that there isn't much else to report. My friends and family are getting more used to them, many people (including strangers) compliment them or are interested in them and these little beansprouts on my head are already impacting my life in a positive way. I'm that bit more carefree and spontaneous, I've gotten so much free time back that I usually would have spent blow-drying and styling my hair every 2-3 days, which in turn has eased the strain of my fatigue somewhat. All in all I'm still very happy with what I consider my 'life-changing' decision!

I hope you're enjoying this series so far and if there's anything you want to know then just leave a comment below!

Stay curious

Follow me on Bloglovin'

Share |

My Dreadlock Diary #4 - Their First Wash!

baby dreads 11:00

Cats.

Doomsday is upon me. I'm so excited and also terrified. I've waited 2 weeks for this... who'd have thought washing your hair would become such a big deal?!

Love a bit of melodrama, any who on with the usual shenanigans! I'm going to cover how I washed them, what I used, how I dried them and also what my dreads were like afterwards. I hope you enjoy!

Getting Salty

So it's recommended for the first couple of washes in order to help the dreads settle & tighten that you just swish your dreads around in a sink full of warm water & two tablespoons of salt (I used sea salt) which I did, all went well and water has never felt so good. These past two weeks, being in the rain has been my FAVOURITE thing.

But because I was experiencing quite a significantly noticeable amount of dandruff AND I'm going to a wedding shindig this weekend I needed to also give them a proper wash with some anti-dandruff shampoo. Very naughty but I felt it very necessary. This is the part that filled me with fear, you could say I was dreading it. Puntastic. I'd had visions of standing in the shower with shampoo running down me and my dreads unravelling before my eyes. I'd come this far though and they'd passed the first test, I could do this right?

Shower Time

Standing in the shower was the best experience; I'd obviously showered throughout the two weeks but kept my head away from the water, so to actually be able to put my head under the shower was glorious. First hurdle down, now to face my fears. I lathered up the shampoo (anti-dandruff & cruelty-free of course) to give it a head start and massaged slowly but firmly just into my scalp, making sure not to get my nails all tangled at the roots. It felt so good. I rinsed that out thoroughly and then lathered up my coconut water shampoo (residue & CF) and simply ran it over my actual dreads. I didn't squeeze it into them or anything like that, just lightly covered the dreads then rinsed it all out and squeezed whilst rinsing to make sure every drop of shampoo was out. No conditioner needed.

Hair was now squeezed again and put into a hair turban just like normal; that soaked up quite a lot of the moisture, I then got a dry towel and wrapped them up again whilst I had my breakfast.

I'd survived and so had they.

They'd even settled a lot more, looked longer, some had tightened up and there's no more loose hair than there already was. Dandruff had been exchanged for clean, fresh smelling locks. Happy Pandora.

I hope you're all having a wonderful day, sending out my positive vibes to you!

Stay curious

Follow me on Bloglovin'

*Original header image before text: DTTSP

Share |

My Dreadlock Diary #3 - The First Two Weeks!

baby dreads 12:30

Hey cats!

Here's the next instalment of my Dread Diaries and how I found my first two weeks, up until the point of washing...

First Day Thoughts

The length is a shock after having longer hair but I like it & I'm happy to have shorter hair again
Being sideshow bob is annoying as hell and isn't my most attractive look
But they were comfy to sleep on; felt just like my normal hair which surprised me!
I forget they're there unless I pass a mirror, for some reason my hair feels weightless at the moment
Slightly worried about upkeep, doing everything right & the general responsibility, the thought is a little overwhelming
Brain is panicking over the change and commitment, one of my most common fears
I need to cut my fringe
Switching between love and hate, wondering what I've gotten myself into
Almost missing my old hair & only remembering the good stuff not the fact I have hated my hair for about 10 years
Not washing them for 2 weeks is going to suck
This is going to test my patience, I can't wait for them to settle

The Next Few Days...

So now that I've gotten a few days under my belt my hair has settled a lot more (I love it) and so have I; I've even had quite a lot of compliments on it both from people I know - my boyfriend likes it and thinks it suits me - and complete strangers. I do feel quite paranoid at the moment being out as I get stared at A LOT which makes me anxious and uncomfortable but it's another personal hurdle that I think this hair can help me to overcome, I'm tired of being judged and shouldn't give a hoot what others think. As much as it shames me to say this I've been surprised at how accepting a lot of people have been with it considering it's not all that common a hairstyle, what's even more surprising is that many people don't always click on that it's my real hair that's dreaded! Now I'm on day 6 of no washing and it's itchy, warm & irritating but that's to be expected and I won't give in.

Onto The Second Week!

We're well into the second week now and I've adjusted very quickly, so much so that I'm astounded at myself with how much more comfortable I am being out & about however I have always been with someone and haven't yet ventured out alone. I forget that my hair isn't the 'norm' until I clock people staring at me! What helps is that I've been complimented whilst out and told it suits me, one person even came up to me and struck up a conversation about it which was so humbling and my anxiety took a back seat which was refreshing. I've not yet had any negative comments or heckles, most it's ever been is a few funny looks.

Holy hell I just want to wash my hair though, my head feels constantly sweaty and I'm even fantasising about standing in the shower as well as having dreams about washing my hair! What's stopping me is the fear of washing it wrongly/washing the dreads out, I'm excited but terrified for the day I can wash my hair again. I have a tonne of dandruff, which is to be expected but residue-free, anti-dandruff shampoo has been bought (CF of course) and is ready to get at me. I have to say the best thing so far is that I'm not longer fearful of the weathers effect on my hair, come at me wind and rain, you can't hurt me now!

Summing up I'd say you definitely require determination and an amount of stubbornness for having dreads, of which I have endless supplies. Naturally a few loose hairs have made an appearance and I've been looking up how to do maintenance myself but I'm not incredibly confident or skilled with it so I'm booking myself in with Laurelle down the line to get it done properly! I love my little dread babies, I feel like I've got such a change going on in my life right now that stems way further than my fuzzy noodle head and I welcome it; my dreadies are settling more each day and yes they'll stick up after I've worn headphones or slept but it just makes me laugh, I feel like each dread has it's own personality and way of locking up. They're my lil beansprout babies, I adore them and can't wait to watch them grow and develop, I'm so happy with my choice and I feel like I've really put myself first for the first time in my life.

How do you think you would cope with unwashed hair for two weeks & stares from strangers most days? I'd love to know!

Stay curious

Follow me on Bloglovin'

*Original header image before text: DTTSP

Share |

My Dreadlock Diary #2 - Today's The Day!

baby dreads 14:30

Hey cats!

Welcome to the second instalment of my dreadlock journey, I'll be talking all about the day I actually got my dreads and as much of the process behind this as possible, don't worry I don't plan on going on with myself for too long mainly because there wasn't all that much involved that I can really write about!

So first things first I made sure I got up early to wash my hair using a residue-free shampoo from Superdrug and I decided to get a hydrating one because I wouldn't be conditioning my hair (it would struggled to be dreaded otherwise). I also chose residue-free because it's recommended to use on dreads anyway to prevent any kind of product build up and I thought it best to have that to start with too! After a good wash I left my hair to dry naturally because I didn't particularly want to heat damage my hair right before having it done, I then gave it a brush & de-tangle.

I was welcomed by the lovely lady doing my dreads (Laurelle) just outside of where she lived and I was taken to her awesome recently converted house van! It was so unique and surprisingly roomy, her fella was also there and was just as welcoming & pleasant as Laurelle; there was me instantly at ease! They also have two very friendly, adorable doggies and I was happy to have them around but if you're not keen on dogs Laurelle is happy to keep them in another room as long as you let her know in advance. I took some lunch, snacks, plenty of water and on Laurelle's recommendation a book too (I've read this book before and would highly recommend it if you want to read something a bit different), turns out I didn't end up needing the book after all but it was a sweltering day so I was glad of the water.

She has a huge chesterfield sofa for clients which was comfortable from beginning to end; we got started at 12 and the process took about 8 hours in total with a few toilet/food breaks thrown in. In the meantime we watched a lot of Netflix (Community & OITNB) chatted away and of course as it was a long day there was inevitable silence but it was more than comfortable.

As far as the actual process of dreading itself I couldn't see what was going on and there are many different ways to install dreads. From what I could tell there was sectioning off into a 'brickwork' pattern, a lot of backcombing, twisting, rolling and the use of a crochet needle to loop and hook the hair into itself. As stated on her website "I have been working with dreads and alternative hair for over 8 years and have developed my own technique using crochet hooks and felting needles - NO WAX, LATEX, GLUE or any other quick-fixes that make your hair temporarily neat but cause long term damage to the development and maturation of your dreads. I have large amounts of experience & understanding about how hair tangles & what can be done to facilitate the process without causing damage down the road" She also will refuse to start dreadlocks on hair that she thinks isn't healthy enough to support them which I think is really professional. I also felt at ease reading through her website and seeing that she has her own way of dreading because to me that gives the impression of real knowledge, skill and passion for her trade.

Throughout the day Laurelle always made sure to check in with how I was feeling and said to let her know if I was getting head sore at all. Quite honestly I didn't feel that way even once, she was super gentle and I'm one of those people that's always loved having their hair being played with, I'm surprised I didn't nod off! It was a long and draining day but also very enjoyable and totally worth it; when we were done she told me all about how to maintain my new dreadies as she encourages clients to learn but she also offers dread maintenance for those who need it.

Unfortunately I didn't have to the foresight to get before and after pictures but my hair went from around armpit length (this measurement makes the most sense to me for some reason) to shoulder length as you can see. My ends were really thin anyway so I don't really feel like I lost a lot of length plus when I did have shorter hair I really enjoyed it so I was pretty over the moon! Laurelle also said it was a pretty good length at which to start dreadlocks and let them grow in. Although my hair is fine there's quite a lot of it which made it a tad more difficult to dread than expected but I also ended up with about 48 dreads in my hair and the average is around 35-45 depending on your hair type, head size and preference. I went for thinner style dreads to suit my size & hair type, they'll also shrink as they mature.

For the next week or so I can expect 'Sideshow Bob' style hair until my dreads start to settle and it's best you leave them loose to do their own thing in this time. As for the my immediate future with my new dread babies, I'm not allowed to wash them for two weeks so that they can settle (plus if you washed them straight away they would most likely just fall out) and then it is recommended that you wash them in salt water at first in order to help the knotting process. I've been told to palm roll them about once a week - which is taking each dread and rolling it back & forth like making a play doh sausage - to keep them in shape and also to look out for any matting between dreads; they have a tendency to try and 'eat' each other so I have to pull them apart regularly in order to keep them separate. Apparently the first 6 or so weeks can be the messiest ever as well as the first 6 months but after that they start to take care of themselves and settle properly.

Overall I was really happy with my experience and albeit a little daunted by the responsibility to start with I was looking forward to a new life & a new journey. If you're considering dreads I would highly recommend Laurelle, she's fantastic and really knows her stuff!

Needle & Dread Website / Facebook Page

I'd absolutely adore hearing what you think about this process, is it what you expected?

Stay curious

Follow me on Bloglovin'

Share |

My Dreadlock Diary! #1

baby dreads 12:06

Hey cats!

Welcome to my newest running set of blog posts! I'm embarking on what most describe as a spiritual and character building journey that comes with getting your hair dreadlocked. My aim is to document each part of the process from beginning to end, logging everything I can about how I feel, what I'm experiencing and so on. These will be personal posts for me to look back on but if you're curious about dreads or are even thinking of getting them for yourself then I hope this 'series' can be helpful in some way!

Why Dreads?

I've liked the look of dreadlocks for around 5 years now and about a year or so ago, I actually had synthetic dread extensions braided into my hair on and off for 5 months to get a feel for them/see if they suited. I absolutely LOVED them and it was such a wonderful experience! Don't get me wrong they itched like mad at first and were shockingly heavy to start with but everything else was an easy ride. From this point on I decided I was going to grow my hair to a decent length, get back to my natural colour and achieve healthy hair so that I could finally commit to real dreadlocks with my own hair.

Here's a breakdown of why else I want dreads:

I crimp my hair pretty much any time I want to go out/have plans because my hair is so flat and goes greasy within hours; with the crimp this doesn't happen
So having dreads would give my hair the volume I crave and eliminate all the heat damage as well as the time and effort it takes to wash, blow dry and style my hair (for me to still hate the way it looks)
Which is great for my health because I can conserve all that energy and maybe even partake in spontaneous plans because styling dreads isn't a time consuming thing!

BUT I am aware that the settling in process does require lots of effort and attention, however I think the pay off will be beyond worth it.

Night Before Nerves!

So it's the night before and I'm a jumble of different emotions, all exacerbated by the fact my depression decided it would like to up the ante for today and make me feel lost, scared and alone for no apparent reason; fabulous.

However I'm prepared, I've waited for this for so long and I'm beyond excited. I've done all the research I can, I feel I know everything that I need to for now and I'm content with the choice I'm about to make. It's funny how being aware of a permanent change can affect the way you feel about something; this past week I've enjoyed my hair and been happy with it, I get little fuzzy butterflies looking at it and knowing it won't be this way again. I suppose it's a loss in a sense and albeit my hair has never satisfied me, it's still mine and I'll be a tad upset to see it go. There's also that worry of me getting bored easily & dreads are far from easy to reverse. But like I said, I'm happy in my decision, I think it's the right one for me and the loss I'm feeling will be far outweighed by the gain of my 'new' hair and the positive (hopefully!) impact it will have on my life & mindset.

How do you feel about dreadlocks? I'd be curious to know considering the recent focus on all things cultural appropriation!

Stay curious

Follow me on Bloglovin'

Share |

The Get To Know Me Tag // Lifestyle

chatting 13:30

Hey cats!

I like to think that I'm quite an open person but I feel that social media like Instagram and Twitter can sometimes give quite a narrow view of what a person is really like; I wanted to do this tag so people can see a bit more of how open I like to be & after putting a poll on Twitter people said they wanted to see this so I hope I can give you more of an insight!

What is your middle name?

Victoria

What is your favourite colour?

Without a doubt it's green! I've always been drawn to the colour but I chose it as my fave colour in school about age 7 because no one else would pick it as theirs and I felt sorry for it...yup

Who was your first best friend?

My first ever best friend was a girl called Jade, she was my favourite person to play out with/spend time around and she gave me her only Posh Spice sticker in class one day to cheer me up. Sadly she passed away because of a brain tumour when she was 6; it was my first ever experience of death and I still miss her to this day

How tall are you?

I am a tidgy 5ft

Cats or dogs?

I do love both but I guess I'd have to say cats purely because you rarely have to clean up after them and I've never actually owned a dog!

Funniest moment throughout school?

For me, every day of Primary school was funny but I really didn't enjoy High School at all. In fact I missed 2 years of it in Year 8 and Year 10 because of Glandular Fever, so I found it quite funny that I still left with As, Bs and Cs despite me missing all that time, being bullied consistently and having been forgotten about by all my teachers. Karma eh?

How many countries have you visited?

Erm, I'm not much of a traveller so 3 I think (France, Portugal & Greece)

Are you in/gone to college?

I've been there, done that, went to Uni, bought the hoodie and now I'm back at college again doing a diploma!

What was your favourite/worst subject in High School?

Favourite has got to be either English or Science and worst is without a doubt Maths

What is your favourite drink?

Soft drink would be sparkling lemon water; alcoholic drink is hands down lager & lime

What is your favourite animal?

Bats! They're so cute but can be super creepy too, love them! Plus they used to live in our roof and it was the best thing ever watching them out of the window every night

What is your favourite perfume?

Probably Flight of Fancy by Anna Sui. There's just something about the smell that takes me straight back to my happiest college days sat in the park with all my friends. Pure, delicious nostalgia

Tea or Coffee?

COFFEE! Preferably as black as my soul

What would you (or have you) name your children?

I don't have children yet but I honestly have no clue, I think I'd come up with names nearer to knowing my lil babas!

What sports do you play/have you played?

Since I was ill in school I developed Chronic Fatigue and have struggled massively with my health, so sport is off the menu these days! But before that I was the most energetic child and I loved rugby and rounders!

What is your favourite book?

Probably The Savage Garden by Mark Mills

Who are some of your favourite YouTubers?

I don't watch many 'beauty/fashion' YTs, the two I do watch are Helen Anderson & Rhiannon Ashlee

I love watching gamers like Markiplier, JackSepticEye, Daz Games and PewDiePie

I may have a guilty pleasure in watching Dr Pimple Popper!

What is your favourite movie?

Without a doubt it's Nightmare Before Christmas and always has been. The Rocky Horror Picture Show is an extremely close second though!

Are you Single or Taken?

Taken for 3+ years

What's your idea of an ideal first date?

Dressing up a bit, going for a mooch, grab a meal somewhere and then maybe head back to the pub for drinks, chatter and some pool

How many girlfriends/boyfriends have you had?

6 including my current

Favourite memory from childhood?

Going to Disneyland Paris for the first time, it was so magical and I adored every minute. I would love to go back again now

Do you speak any different languages and how well?

I don't! I know little bits here and there of French, Spanish & Portuguese but it's hella rusty

Do you have any siblings?

Nope I'm ~~spoilt rotten~~ an only child!

How would you describe your fashion sense?

A mix between glorious hippie queen & 'I just rolled out of bed'

What is your favourite restaurant?

This is a toughie! I think I'm going to have to go with Wagamama (most oriental food wins my heart though)

What are some of your favourite tv shows?

There's so many: GoT, OITNB, iZombie, Suits, Supernatural, Grimm, Scorpion, Bottom, The Young Ones, Jackass, Arrow, Once Upon a Time, Castle, Sherlock, Ghost Whisperer, Nurse Jackie & any nature documentaries to name but a few!

PC or Mac?

Only a recent convert but Mac, it's the best thing ever

What phone do you have? (iOS v Android?)

I just upgraded recently to the iPhone 6, happy with it so far and having it sync with my Mac makes life much easier!

Tell us one of your bad habits!

Hoarding/buying too much, its such a difficult one to break

Anything you want to know? Let's get chatting!

Stay curious

Follow me on Bloglovin'

Share |

Where I Am Right Now vs Where I Want To Be // Lifestyle

achievements 16:47

Hey cats!

I've let a lot of things drag me down and get the better of me lately so now I feel I need to focus on myself a lot more; knowing that self-care is not selfish, it's necessary for surviving. I wanted to jot down what is significant in my life right now and what I hope to achieve in the not-so-distant future. I realise that these things will take time and it's all about practicing patience/being mindful of my situation.

So this blog post is me sharing a few personal things that may seem predictable/obvious to many, but having a place where they are actually written down is a big help to me in gaining clarification and getting them out of my head into somewhere I can look back and reflect on them. Fingers crossed in a couple of months I can review this and see what I've achieved!

Where I'm At

Jobless & living with my parents
Stuck in limbo with all my belongings, trying to sort through and get rid of as much as possible
Passed my theory test but my anxiety is too bad for me to be able to take my driving test
Out of shape with zero stamina & in very poor health (albeit a lot of this is out of my control)
However, I don't completely hate the way my body looks considering everything
On the road to replacing my products with cruelty-free/organic/vegan alternatives but not wanting to be wasteful with the products I already own
Mentally exhausted & emotionally drained almost constantly
On a college course that I used to enjoy but currently have no passion for & therefore I'm very demotivated/behind on work
Hormones all over the place due to a bad experience with the contraceptive implant
In a strong, happy and consistent relationship
Taking steps to point my life in a different direction whilst keeping my options open

Where I Want To Be

Living with my boyfriend & secure in a part-time job
Having a more minimal amount of 'stuff and things' clogging up my life
Passing my driving test so that it's done and I don't have to retake anything
Maybe joining a gym or keeing up a fitness regime of some kind, eating well and doing what is in my control to improve/maintain my health
Loving the way my body looks
Living a mainly cruelty-free, organic, sustainable & eco-friendly lifestyle that works for me
In a better mental state, either by helping myself out or finding counselling again
Seeking help at college to assist in gaining my passion again & get back on track with work
Getting the implant out and being on contraception that works for me
Still in a strong, happy and consistent relationship that continues to grow as we live together and build our own family/life together
Living each day in the moment, finding balance, being happy and helping others

Are you happy where you are or have you got goals you'd like to achieve?

Stay curious

Follow me on Bloglovin'

Share |

Losing My Editing Virginity! // Storytime

achievement 22:00

As the crude title suggests, I actually used video editing software for the very first time in my 24 years on this earth! This may seem small to some but for me this was a big achievement in a long line of things I'm hoping to accomplish at some point this year and beyond. A lot of things I wanted to do this year but I'm learning to be more realistic with my goals and accept that anything I achieve whether it be now or down the line is still a big thing. I'm only human and I shouldn't put so much pressure on myself. Albeit this post is public, for me it's more of a personal record of what I've done and how it made me feel (which is great when I'm on a downer and trying to chuck my life out of the window metaphorically). If anyone can gain some insight or this gives you a boost into finally doing something you've wanted to do but have been putting off then I'll be a million times happier and will feel like I've achieved so much more.

Okay, so what did I use exactly? Nothing special of course, the only thing I had to hand is Windows Movie Maker - an outdated version at that - but for me personally that seemed like an excellent (not to mention simple) place to start considering it was free and at my immediate disposal. However, my first try didn't run too smoothly and if I hadn't attempted it again then this blog post wouldn't exist and I would most likely still be in a complete funk thinking I'm stupid and I can't do anything. First lesson there, don't give up/if at first you don't succeed try and try again/insert other cliché sayings here. This first failing was completely down to a defect in my personality which means I don't read instructions or do my research first, I instead just blaze in balls to the wall and get everything completely wrong thus contributing to a self-fulfilling prophecy of "I can never do anything".

After a week of moping my stubborn side kicked in and assured me I wouldn't be defeated, so I calmly looked up some help videos, got to grips with the software and then I decided to film a practice video to edit. Filming was an experience and a hellishly awkward one at that. Now, I feel I'm a seasoned expert in the way of talking to myself (and my cat) but as soon as I was sat in front of a camera my anxiety took over, I struggled to make eye contact and my limbs were out of control with nerves. I have such respect for people who do YouTube as a job, as I know many suffer also with issues such as depression or anxiety and honestly I was quite shocked at myself that I was so affected. Nevertheless I powered through because the filming wasn't entirely important, I just needed something to edit. Baby steps and all that. But the experience in itself was significant, and as a person that albeit doesn't read instructions, does actually like to plan for things and craves being prepared for upcoming projects. It made me aware that if I do start to film and put videos on YouTube, I know for sure that I need to do it for myself and no one else, so that I can build my confidence, be able to do spontaneous and unscripted things and also have a good time and keep a record of those memories; without them being edited to perfection. If anyone happens to like what I do then so be it, I'd be just as happy. I believe you've always got to start with yourself and do things for you; know that it isn't a selfish way of behaving.

Anyway back to the topic at hand - the editing. Just to break things up and not get too bogged down I'm going to go ahead and bullet point this for everyone's benefit:

Holy hell editing is tedious and not at all easy, it's also very frustrating when it just doesn't DO what you want it to do (nor does it acknowledge you shouting at the screen)
Once finished I noticed I'd spent nearly 2 hours editing an 8 minute video. My hands ached and so did my head, I'd also forgotten to eat and drink
Despite these things, the sense of accomplishment and achievement after I'd finished was overwhelming. I could do it, I could achieve goals and I could work technology!
I felt proud and much more capable but at the same time I was only at the very start and have a long way to go in terms of learning and improving. I was left with mainly positives and of course these little niggles in the back of my mind - could I commit that much time, could I be bothered, was it worth it?
I think it's worth it, the other two I'll have to get back to you on

Looking to the future, whatever the outcome I know this is something I want to pursue in order to further myself and fulfil a long standing personal goal. I worry horrendously about so many things but instead of worrying I should just set simple, easily achievable goals and do things occasionally that aren't for other people. I truly believe you always have to start with yourself and practice self-care before even considering everything else in life. If we constantly shove our own needs aside we'd cease to function. I want to be brave, so I'm going for it! I imagine I'll keep these entries going each time I feel I need to document any progress.

Is there anything you're looking to achieve this Summer/this year?

Stay curious

Follow me on Bloglovin'

Share |

Pages

A Week Away

Caring For My Dreadies

How I'm Feeling

Getting Salty

Shower Time

First Day Thoughts

The Next Few Days...

Onto The Second Week!

Why Dreads?

Night Before Nerves!

What is your middle name?

What is your favourite colour?

Who was your first best friend?

How tall are you?

Cats or dogs?

Funniest moment throughout school?

How many countries have you visited?

Are you in/gone to college?

What was your favourite/worst subject in High School?

What is your favourite drink?

What is your favourite animal?

What is your favourite perfume?

Tea or Coffee?

What would you (or have you) name your children?

What sports do you play/have you played?

What is your favourite book?

Who are some of your favourite YouTubers?

What is your favourite movie?

Are you Single or Taken?

What's your idea of an ideal first date?

How many girlfriends/boyfriends have you had?

Favourite memory from childhood?

Do you speak any different languages and how well?

Do you have any siblings?

How would you describe your fashion sense?

What is your favourite restaurant?

What are some of your favourite tv shows?

PC or Mac?

What phone do you have? (iOS v Android?)

Tell us one of your bad habits!

Where I'm At

Where I Want To Be

Welcome To My Blog!

About me

recent posts

Blog Archive

Instagram

Popular Posts