I've got quite a busy and stressful time going on for me at current and I thought what better time to take a breather, dive into the past and make some reflections here in the present. I feel this piece I'm sharing is most fitting considering I find my education and low mood correlation history is repeating itself in an all too familiar way and I'm in a very similar place during my college diploma as I was in university.

As I said in earlier posts I would share my ramblings from about a year or so ago, to better understand where I am now. I won't change anything in them, even though I may want to. There are some things I don't want to be reminded of but I know its necessary. Also there may be some poor grammar and spelling but that's just what happens when you pour out words from your heart. I start from the beginning, the first time I really opened my eyes to the world and found how out of touch I was with everything.

Walking to university today, my reflection in the windows of the building seemed to be moving faster than me…who was this girl…should I try and catch up, or is my life running away from me, am I losing myself? Is this a projection of how out of touch I feel with myself, with reality, of how out of control I feel. It felt like falling, losing my grip on life’s blatant unfairness. She was getting away, this once wonderful me, there in full glory…grinning, or maybe it was teeth bared. She used to be ready to attack at any moment, poised for action against the world and now she was getting away; am I merely the shadow being left behind as the sun fades away? I don’t want to be, but it almost feels as if it's too late now, there’s too much to patch up, sew up, re-stitch, and would it all be worth it in the end? I don’t think I could ever be her again. That’s why I’m me now. Obviously she’s there somewhere…be it past or future, moving ahead of me, almost racing me, elation at my confusion as to who she was. This dazzling beast contrasted with the creature and her contorted face into an almost permanent frown. I do not want to be her. I want to chase the reflection, I want her to explain, to tell me everything will be okay. I want to understand. I want her to be me. Please.

Stay curious

Follow me on Bloglovin'

I've been a bit swamped lately and experienced a few setbacks in different areas of my life so naturally my blog has suffered a tad. I wanted to share another piece of reflective writing with you because I feel right now it's striking a chord with me and couldn't be more significant. It's amazing how sometimes you can come so far in life but still feel somewhat the same; there's human complexes for you.

"Feeling like my life is passing my by at the moment and I'm not sure what the catalyst for this feeling is. Everyone seems to know where they're going and have accomplished all they wanted by this age and I'm here feeling like I'm being left by the wayside. Why haven't I done more? Realised who I want to be, what I want to do? Even simple things like what do I like or dislike? I feel like I'm forgetting...maybe I never even knew. I'm completely clueless as to the purpose of my existence at this present time and it encapsulates me in worthlessness, shrouds me in fear and dread, sends ice down my spine and wakes me up in the night. I want to be happy, I am happy I guess...just not in the way I wanted. I thought I'd be further along now, I'm running and I can't keep up; I've gone back to my feelings from over a year ago where there's two of me and my reflection seems to be running quicker, she seems like a different person. I must post those ramblings so you can better understand. I don't feel refined or self-assured like other people. I'm constantly wondering what's wrong with me, questioning why I don't fit in, what makes me like this. Depression is just a mere side matter. This is in my head, purely insanity. The frenzy inside my mind, so paranoid and yet so curious. It's not a nice place to be. I'll battle on like I always do, naturally, but I can't shake this feeling yet. Strangely nor do I want to. I want to know myself, I want to figure life out. I won't stop."

I've been toying around with the idea of sharing reflective and creative writing that I used do whilst in my uni free periods (back in 2009-2012) because it's something that helped me through a really tough time, also regrettably it's not something I've found myself particularly capable of now. Back then I was a very angry person struggling to come to terms with having depression and in a sense I'm glad I can't write anymore because surely that means I've developed as a person. But also I can't put pen to paper now because I get RSI flare-ups, I get too stressed out/panicky and I'm too forgetful to get everything written down therefore the process does more damage than good. So sharing what I wrote then can be my way to remember how I used to release my tension and also to remind myself that I've overcome so much; I'm giving myself some credit for getting this far in my constant battle with mental and physical illness and I'm proud.

I like to write, writing for me is cathartic. My own form of meditation. Somehow I always end up analysing myself when I write though. Periods of self reflection that seem to be happening evermore often these days, yet is it really me that requires it? Surely I am surrounded by people who need it more. Who need to take a good hard, long look at themselves and be shocked by the monster they are surprised to find glaring back.

Life is unfair. Claustrophobic. Chaos. If it weren’t then I’m sure it wouldn’t be life at all. Something would be very wrong, cosmically unbalanced. Just mere existence. Not that misfortune and suffering is anywhere near fun, but I guess at least it's far from boring. That’s as far as my optimism stretches. 

Here I am, wondering why when I write ‘far’ my effs are much bigger than in other words I use them. Then again, handwriting never used to be my strong point. It sometimes still slips into illegible scrawl. Especially when my thoughts race. And my hand can’t write fast enough to make sure I get every bit down that I wanted, or else face being left with snippets of random thoughts floating through my head. The feeling of dread at not remembering what I wanted to write down a few seconds ago. Should my feelings be this extreme? Is my memory really that terrible? Or have all these years of willing myself to get up each morning no matter what awfulness lies ahead, trained my mind to automatically forget?

How I love that time flies when I am distracted. An easy feat. Anything, and I’ll have boarded a completely different train of thought, chugging or hurtling its way to a different destination. Like catching the glare of a magpie with the smallest glint of something even remotely shiny. The promise of potential enjoyment from the shimmer in the distance, or maybe disappointment looms at the conclusion you might reach. A smudge on the horizon. A missed opportunity. Take the risk? Play it safe? At least with one of them I might find an answer and there’s only one option left for me. No one got anywhere by pussy footing around. Especially not when happiness is at stake. And not just mine. So I shall fight against the monsters, in my own mirror and in others too. 

How do you like to let go of your anxieties? I'd love to know other techniques!

Stay curious