Reflective Writing - Keeping Promises // Personal


Hey cats!

I've got quite a busy and stressful time going on for me at current and I thought what better time to take a breather, dive into the past and make some reflections here in the present. I feel this piece I'm sharing is most fitting considering I find my education and low mood correlation history is repeating itself in an all too familiar way and I'm in a very similar place during my college diploma as I was in university.

As I said in earlier posts I would share my ramblings from about a year or so ago, to better understand where I am now. I won't change anything in them, even though I may want to. There are some things I don't want to be reminded of but I know its necessary. Also there may be some poor grammar and spelling but that's just what happens when you pour out words from your heart. I start from the beginning, the first time I really opened my eyes to the world and found how out of touch I was with everything.

Tuesday 6th March 2012

Walking to university today, my reflection in the windows of the building seemed to be moving faster than me…who was this girl…should I try and catch up, or is my life running away from me, am I losing myself? Is this a projection of how out of touch I feel with myself, with reality, of how out of control I feel. It felt like falling, losing my grip on life’s blatant unfairness. She was getting away, this once wonderful me, there in full glory…grinning, or maybe it was teeth bared. She used to be ready to attack at any moment, poised for action against the world and now she was getting away; am I merely the shadow being left behind as the sun fades away? I don’t want to be, but it almost feels as if it's too late now, there’s too much to patch up, sew up, re-stitch, and would it all be worth it in the end? I don’t think I could ever be her again. That’s why I’m me now. Obviously she’s there somewhere…be it past or future, moving ahead of me, almost racing me, elation at my confusion as to who she was. This dazzling beast contrasted with the creature and her contorted face into an almost permanent frown. I do not want to be her. I want to chase the reflection, I want her to explain, to tell me everything will be okay. I want to understand. I want her to be me. Please.
I knew even when writing this, logic was snapping at my heels about how it was probably the angle of the building or the sunlight that caused my consternation about my shadow side, but does logic really matter when true thought and reflection is provoked? Indeed how profound my literal reflection caused internal reflections, I'm smirking at the chances of this happening. The truth is that this moment and many following it haunted me for a long time and have stayed with me as clear as day even until now. I struggle with my memory due to my numerous health issues but the things I remember without fail are moments like these, moments with my shadow or reflection, the feeling that I was two people, striving to be one of whom I claimed to have lost. Surely it wouldn't be normal not to lose ourselves? If we never changed or moved, we'd never grow or experience or truly live; loss is normal. A constant feature in human life, where no permanency really exists because life isn't permanent so neither is anything within it. I scold myself internally for writing that, it sounds so miserable and pessimistic. I'm a collective of parts and people with no one unifying factor other than the body I store them all in. I am separate and distant, a husk and a host. The girl that wrote in 2012 is just like the girl in the reflection, lost or gone. I'm learning that it's okay though, that's how it is meant to be.

I was afraid then because I was becoming a different person, I was letting my depression truly kick in and take over for the first time and I felt loss for the innocent teenager I had no choice but to leave behind. I still feel to an extent that I'm chasing the version of myself that I want to be, but I don't see that as a negative; I think it's good to have something to strive for, to want to be the best person you can possibly be. I think this particular reflection represents the fire and determination inside of me that had been a constant in my life but which I lost at university, I missed my motivation and I was scared that I wanted to give up; that wasn't in my nature and it still isn't. Life does feel like it's speeding away from me but that should be more motivation than anything to run and catch up with it. I'm in a constant tussle between my mental and physical illnesses and my core self; the person I could be without anything holding me back.

I'm hopeful this time around though and I can't wait to finish my diploma and really start my life. I've worked damned hard on this course and throughout the past year and a half in order to sort my health out as much as I can. I'm doing the best I can in the situation I've been dealt in this life and I've realised I need to stop kicking back or lashing out at it, because it's coming along for the ride whether I like it or not, and I can achieve what I want even with it sitting on my shoulder trying it's best to weigh me down. I feel like I'm closer than ever to that future me, that I'm much clearer in who I am and who I'm trying to be, I still yearn to be carefree, rid of anxiety and depression, but at least I can say I'm really trying my best.

If you have any thoughts to share on my ramblings then I'd love to hear them and if any of this has affected you in any way where you need to talk, please feel free to email me

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