I've got quite a busy and stressful time going on for me at current and I thought what better time to take a breather, dive into the past and make some reflections here in the present. I feel this piece I'm sharing is most fitting considering I find my education and low mood correlation history is repeating itself in an all too familiar way and I'm in a very similar place during my college diploma as I was in university.

As I said in earlier posts I would share my ramblings from about a year or so ago, to better understand where I am now. I won't change anything in them, even though I may want to. There are some things I don't want to be reminded of but I know its necessary. Also there may be some poor grammar and spelling but that's just what happens when you pour out words from your heart. I start from the beginning, the first time I really opened my eyes to the world and found how out of touch I was with everything.

Walking to university today, my reflection in the windows of the building seemed to be moving faster than me…who was this girl…should I try and catch up, or is my life running away from me, am I losing myself? Is this a projection of how out of touch I feel with myself, with reality, of how out of control I feel. It felt like falling, losing my grip on life’s blatant unfairness. She was getting away, this once wonderful me, there in full glory…grinning, or maybe it was teeth bared. She used to be ready to attack at any moment, poised for action against the world and now she was getting away; am I merely the shadow being left behind as the sun fades away? I don’t want to be, but it almost feels as if it's too late now, there’s too much to patch up, sew up, re-stitch, and would it all be worth it in the end? I don’t think I could ever be her again. That’s why I’m me now. Obviously she’s there somewhere…be it past or future, moving ahead of me, almost racing me, elation at my confusion as to who she was. This dazzling beast contrasted with the creature and her contorted face into an almost permanent frown. I do not want to be her. I want to chase the reflection, I want her to explain, to tell me everything will be okay. I want to understand. I want her to be me. Please.

Stay curious

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I've been a bit swamped lately and experienced a few setbacks in different areas of my life so naturally my blog has suffered a tad. I wanted to share another piece of reflective writing with you because I feel right now it's striking a chord with me and couldn't be more significant. It's amazing how sometimes you can come so far in life but still feel somewhat the same; there's human complexes for you.

"Feeling like my life is passing my by at the moment and I'm not sure what the catalyst for this feeling is. Everyone seems to know where they're going and have accomplished all they wanted by this age and I'm here feeling like I'm being left by the wayside. Why haven't I done more? Realised who I want to be, what I want to do? Even simple things like what do I like or dislike? I feel like I'm forgetting...maybe I never even knew. I'm completely clueless as to the purpose of my existence at this present time and it encapsulates me in worthlessness, shrouds me in fear and dread, sends ice down my spine and wakes me up in the night. I want to be happy, I am happy I guess...just not in the way I wanted. I thought I'd be further along now, I'm running and I can't keep up; I've gone back to my feelings from over a year ago where there's two of me and my reflection seems to be running quicker, she seems like a different person. I must post those ramblings so you can better understand. I don't feel refined or self-assured like other people. I'm constantly wondering what's wrong with me, questioning why I don't fit in, what makes me like this. Depression is just a mere side matter. This is in my head, purely insanity. The frenzy inside my mind, so paranoid and yet so curious. It's not a nice place to be. I'll battle on like I always do, naturally, but I can't shake this feeling yet. Strangely nor do I want to. I want to know myself, I want to figure life out. I won't stop."

I feel there's a little bit of morbid curiosity in how people go about certain things, so I wanted to talk about where I am with my blogging currently & the basics on my process behind it, what I use and why I do. I'm hoping that this is going to be a great way of tracking any progress I might make; I can check back here and see if the way I operate is any different or improved in the future. 

Overall what's most important personally is that I want to make my blog beautiful for me, however it can be easy to lose sight and waver; after all there's a lot of pressure out there in the blogging universe as you're putting something out there for anyone to read and potentially be critical of. When I first started dabbling in blogging just over a year ago, things were starkly different. Twitter wasn't as big a tool for blogging as it is now, content of posts was valued more than blog appearance, marble backgrounds and blog trends weren't something I was aware of! After taking a long break due to ill health (albeit ongoing) you can imagine I had the shock of my life coming back to blogging in a completely different world within such a short space of time. Don't get me wrong I know people still want good content, but if people hit up your blog and don't particularly like the way it looks, they're less inclined to read. Hence why my blog is my project and creative outlet, I don't wish to conform or achieve perfection, I merely want to create my own little space on the internet that I can be proud of. So, getting to the point here's how I've been doing that!

(Many of you are probably aware of all these things but I always find it interesting to know the behind-the-scenes)

Why I Use Blogger

As you may have seen in my Blogging Improvements post I'm on the hunt for better photography equipment, like a good quality camera and tripod. I'm in the process of saving up so at current I just use my iPhone 6 to take my photos; I do have a 'proper' camera but the camera on my phone is actually better and with it being so quick & easy to sync up to my Macbook it all makes for quicker turnaround time! As for blog props my supply is limited for now but I'm hoping to build a solid collection to match my theme and then I might even post about all the props I use. In the meantime I have a couple of fake flowers, some wallpaper samples, a few scatter crystals and a few of my own watercolours, that's about it! I don't have a specific place to take pictures I just usually go wherever the natural light is best in my house. I always feel that you don't necessarily need the best camera to take great pictures, after all a good camera doesn't automatically make you a fantastic blogger, though I'm sure it's helpful.

Onto editing, I'm sure a lot of people already use this I'm not going to go crazy on it, I use picmonkey to edit my pictures, I don't tend to do anything fancy and I don't have any intention of spending money on editing software. Plus the fact I like when things aren't complicated and picmonkey is so easy to use.

I'm sure many of you have heard of it but the final thing I find most useful (although a bit buggy) is Canva. It's quick, simple to use and presents endless opportunities for you to play with. You can use their selection of free images & text or of course your own; there's filters & other options for most things you add to your image so you can customise pretty much whatever you want. I've used Canva for lots of things but I mainly use it for blog headers, either for on here or to pop with my new post link on Twitter. 

Honestly I find this the easiest part personally, although I have to be in the right mood to write otherwise nothing happens and I'll sit around procrastinating by making coffee and watching stupid videos on Youtube. I think the reason I don't find writing a daunting task is because from a young age I've always loved to write and excelled at this in high school, going on to study it and achieve an A at A-Level. Now of course I am older and a little rusty so my past does not mean in any way that I am perfect at writing; everyone makes mistakes and can slip into colloquialisms, letting their accent shine through. For me I've always got that teacher voice in the back of my mind telling me to write in 'proper English' and as judgemental as this may seem I do have a tendency to cringe when I see others write with incorrect terms, spelling, grammar or tense (for example 'I like them ones' instead of 'I like those ones'). But as I said this is conditioning from my education; if your post is good and hits home with me then I'm not fussed about errors, I'm sure I've made plenty myself.

In order to avoid mistakes as much as I can I proofread until the cows come home! Both in edit and in preview as Blogger has a tendency to show different formats on both of these. I'll read and re-read at different times in the day and I'm a huge fan of reading my posts aloud as I find that mistakes are far easier to notice that way. I write because it's cathartic, and I feel the writing aspect of blogging is sometimes much more creative than anything else (biased much?). Please don't get me wrong, I appreciate a good, bright, crisp image but writing will always be my number one and the ultimate show of talent, after all what would blogging be without words?

Post Promotion

This is something I toy with but as I blog for a hobby I don't tend to push my posts down people's throats, in fact it's quite rare that I'll even remember to promote my posts on Twitter. I usually pop it up in the #teacupclub Monday meeting and then pop a link up the day after, that's usually it unless I actively choose share it again. I don't schedule tweets or any post promotion on Twitter but every so often I'll share a blog picture & link on my Instagram. I solely enjoy blogging as it is and not all the extraneous tasks that can accompany it, I find them too stressful and if I'm proud of what I've produced then I don't need to go out of my way to gain affirmation from others. However, what I do appreciate is comments that give me feedback on how my post was received, thoughts on my photos and on my writing as these are all great in helping me to improve and learn new things.

What are your blogging failsafes? Let's get nattering!

Stay curious

I've been toying around with the idea of sharing reflective and creative writing that I used do whilst in my uni free periods (back in 2009-2012) because it's something that helped me through a really tough time, also regrettably it's not something I've found myself particularly capable of now. Back then I was a very angry person struggling to come to terms with having depression and in a sense I'm glad I can't write anymore because surely that means I've developed as a person. But also I can't put pen to paper now because I get RSI flare-ups, I get too stressed out/panicky and I'm too forgetful to get everything written down therefore the process does more damage than good. So sharing what I wrote then can be my way to remember how I used to release my tension and also to remind myself that I've overcome so much; I'm giving myself some credit for getting this far in my constant battle with mental and physical illness and I'm proud.

I like to write, writing for me is cathartic. My own form of meditation. Somehow I always end up analysing myself when I write though. Periods of self reflection that seem to be happening evermore often these days, yet is it really me that requires it? Surely I am surrounded by people who need it more. Who need to take a good hard, long look at themselves and be shocked by the monster they are surprised to find glaring back.

Life is unfair. Claustrophobic. Chaos. If it weren’t then I’m sure it wouldn’t be life at all. Something would be very wrong, cosmically unbalanced. Just mere existence. Not that misfortune and suffering is anywhere near fun, but I guess at least it's far from boring. That’s as far as my optimism stretches. 

Here I am, wondering why when I write ‘far’ my effs are much bigger than in other words I use them. Then again, handwriting never used to be my strong point. It sometimes still slips into illegible scrawl. Especially when my thoughts race. And my hand can’t write fast enough to make sure I get every bit down that I wanted, or else face being left with snippets of random thoughts floating through my head. The feeling of dread at not remembering what I wanted to write down a few seconds ago. Should my feelings be this extreme? Is my memory really that terrible? Or have all these years of willing myself to get up each morning no matter what awfulness lies ahead, trained my mind to automatically forget?

How I love that time flies when I am distracted. An easy feat. Anything, and I’ll have boarded a completely different train of thought, chugging or hurtling its way to a different destination. Like catching the glare of a magpie with the smallest glint of something even remotely shiny. The promise of potential enjoyment from the shimmer in the distance, or maybe disappointment looms at the conclusion you might reach. A smudge on the horizon. A missed opportunity. Take the risk? Play it safe? At least with one of them I might find an answer and there’s only one option left for me. No one got anywhere by pussy footing around. Especially not when happiness is at stake. And not just mine. So I shall fight against the monsters, in my own mirror and in others too. 

How do you like to let go of your anxieties? I'd love to know other techniques!

Stay curious

As the crude title suggests, I actually used video editing software for the very first time in my 24 years on this earth! This may seem small to some but for me this was a big achievement in a long line of things I'm hoping to accomplish at some point this year and beyond. A lot of things I wanted to do this year but I'm learning to be more realistic with my goals and accept that anything I achieve whether it be now or down the line is still a big thing. I'm only human and I shouldn't put so much pressure on myself. Albeit this post is public, for me it's more of a personal record of what I've done and how it made me feel (which is great when I'm on a downer and trying to chuck my life out of the window metaphorically). If anyone can gain some insight or this gives you a boost into finally doing something you've wanted to do but have been putting off then I'll be a million times happier and will feel like I've achieved so much more.

Okay, so what did I use exactly? Nothing special of course, the only thing I had to hand is Windows Movie Maker - an outdated version at that - but for me personally that seemed like an excellent (not to mention simple) place to start considering it was free and at my immediate disposal. However, my first try didn't run too smoothly and if I hadn't attempted it again then this blog post wouldn't exist and I would most likely still be in a complete funk thinking I'm stupid and I can't do anything. First lesson there, don't give up/if at first you don't succeed try and try again/insert other cliché sayings here. This first failing was completely down to a defect in my personality which means I don't read instructions or do my research first, I instead just blaze in balls to the wall and get everything completely wrong thus contributing to a self-fulfilling prophecy of "I can never do anything".

After a week of moping my stubborn side kicked in and assured me I wouldn't be defeated, so I calmly looked up some help videos, got to grips with the software and then I decided to film a practice video to edit. Filming was an experience and a hellishly awkward one at that. Now, I feel I'm a seasoned expert in the way of talking to myself (and my cat) but as soon as I was sat in front of a camera my anxiety took over, I struggled to make eye contact and my limbs were out of control with nerves. I have such respect for people who do YouTube as a job, as I know many suffer also with issues such as depression or anxiety and honestly I was quite shocked at myself that I was so affected. Nevertheless I powered through because the filming wasn't entirely important, I just needed something to edit. Baby steps and all that. But the experience in itself was significant, and as a person that albeit doesn't read instructions, does actually like to plan for things and craves being prepared for upcoming projects. It made me aware that if I do start to film and put videos on YouTube, I know for sure that I need to do it for myself and no one else, so that I can build my confidence, be able to do spontaneous and unscripted things and also have a good time and keep a record of those memories; without them being edited to perfection. If anyone happens to like what I do then so be it, I'd be just as happy. I believe you've always got to start with yourself and do things for you; know that it isn't a selfish way of behaving.

Is there anything you're looking to achieve this Summer/this year? 

Stay curious